Sunday, 30 January 2011

i wrote this on wednesday last week but never posted it. here you go. i should say i was really worried. i'm not feeling quite that bad today.

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Recently it feels like every minute of every day is an act of faith. I have very little faith that things will turn out well. I inspect my bump daily and try not to panic that it's getting smaller. i inspect every sensation in my abdomen - is it a movement? is it just a vein twitching? It feels like my bump is getting smaller, not bigger. i turn sideways, inspect myself in the mirror. try to compare and contrast. where was it out to yesterday? is it smaller today? why are the movements not getting stronger? what will i do if the scan gives me bad news on thursday next?

i have my antenatal classes booked. part of me thinks we'll definitely be going. part of me worries that we'll be in too much of a state to remember to cancel when everything goes wrong and they will phone and tell us off for not turning up.

i consider our options if this pregnancy doesn't work out. will we try again? will D say no? i hope not, but i wouldn't blame him. This pregnancy is hard. it's hard on him to have to reassure me constantly when i know that he must be worried too. would we adopt? ask for screening to rule out a problem in one or both of us? but even if there was, even if it was treatable, there are still no guarantees it would work out. next time. and we would have lost even more time. it took nearly a year to get pregnant again. if the timescale was the same it could be august 2012 before i had a living baby to hold. i would be 36 by then. the odds of a second child would be slim. they're already slim; i'm not sure D would ever agree to go through this again. like i say, i wouldn't blame him.

and yet part of me is confident. part of me believes. all will be well. the baby is fine. how could it not be?

will i regret not getting a scan? last monday? this monday? was something really wrong? did we miss our opportunity to fix a problem?

eight days. this countdown is lasting forever.

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four days to go now. it still seems a really, really long time.

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