i wasn't sure whether i should post it or not; it was filled with pain and unhappiness, so i left it saved as a draft and never published it.
now i want to write something else about my husband, about how the loss affected him more than i knew, and it will make more sense if you read this first. so please do read, but know that the light i'm casting him in is not entirely fair, although i thought it was at the time. and please do read my next post, to understand more how our loss affected him.
my baby wasn't the first child my husband has lost.
over eleven years ago, a child was born.
it wasn't my husband's child. it was his girlfriend's, but not his. this came as quite a shock.
but. he did what seemed to be the right thing. he took the baby on. looked after him. was the main carer for the child (... the baby's mum was young, was more interested in going out). looked on the baby as his own.
then. arguments. threats. 'i'm taking the baby away.' she never did.
until he couldn't take any more. called her bluff. handed over the baby. told her not to come back.
he never saw that child again.
and he mourned.
for six months, he had cared for this child. loved him.
and then - nothing.
it took him a long time to be able to dismantle the cot.
i saw him during this time. he was broken. devastated.
when we found out our much-wanted baby had died, he was also devastated.
it did not last so long.
i have seen him grieve for a child before. a child that was not even his. the child of a woman he did not love.
a child who was real. more than just a concept. a child he had held every day. a child who loved him, who depended on him.
he grieved for our baby for a few days. and then, he moved on.
i don't think he has any idea how hard i find this.
i don't think he has any idea what this is like for me.
i have no idea whether i should post this or not.
please remember, i know differently now. please don't judge him on this. it wouldn't be fair.