Saturday, 15 January 2011

i wrote this post a long time ago now. in may last year. not far off an entire year ago.

i wasn't sure whether i should post it or not; it was filled with pain and unhappiness, so i left it saved as a draft and never published it.

now i want to write something else about my husband, about how the loss affected him more than i knew, and it will make more sense if you read this first. so please do read, but know that the light i'm casting him in is not entirely fair, although i thought it was at the time. and please do read my next post, to understand more how our loss affected him.


my baby wasn't the first child my husband has lost.

over eleven years ago, a child was born.

it wasn't my husband's child. it was his girlfriend's, but not his. this came as quite a shock.

but. he did what seemed to be the right thing. he took the baby on. looked after him. was the main carer for the child (... the baby's mum was young, was more interested in going out). looked on the baby as his own.

then. arguments. threats. 'i'm taking the baby away.' she never did.

until he couldn't take any more. called her bluff. handed over the baby. told her not to come back.

he never saw that child again.


and he mourned.

for six months, he had cared for this child. loved him.

and then - nothing.

it took him a long time to be able to dismantle the cot.

i saw him during this time. he was broken. devastated.


when we found out our much-wanted baby had died, he was also devastated.


it did not last so long.


i have seen him grieve for a child before. a child that was not even his. the child of a woman he did not love.

but -

a child who was real. more than just a concept. a child he had held every day. a child who loved him, who depended on him.


he grieved for our baby for a few days. and then, he moved on.


i don't think he has any idea how hard i find this.


i don't think he has any idea what this is like for me.


i have no idea whether i should post this or not.


please remember, i know differently now. please don't judge him on this. it wouldn't be fair.


Miss Ruby said...

Why would we judge? Why would anyone judge?

I hate judgement, I even hate the word because it implies that there are people better than others who believe they have the right to look down on people who they think they are above.

No-one is better than anyone else, we are all equals, we all have hearts that beat, all have blood that pumps through our veins.

The one thing I hate most about judgement is judgement about grief, loss, mourning.

No two losses are the same, even all mine have been different. And so with each one we grieve differently and there is NO right way to grieve, just as there is NO wrong way.

Men are looked down upon when they show their emotions, told "it's not right" and so they don't most of the time which makes people think they AREN'T feeling, aren't hurting, aren't sad.

However just because you can't see the surface rippling with emotions doesn't mean there isn't real, raw, emotional grief happening under it.


B said...

i think i just wanted to make sure no one thought i still believed this. i really did at the time. he hid his pain extremely well. i didn't know it was there for over a year.

i am really sad to think about how he went through this on his own without me even having a clue that he was hurting too. i'm glad i know now, but i wish i'd known at the time.