Monday, 24 January 2011

last night, lying in bed, i had a sudden flash of what it would be like if you were gone. if you had slipped away without me even knowing. and it was shocking, and pain-filled, and dark. it was a bad, bad place.

i am so scared that it's true. i am so scared that you have left me.

i regularly ask your dad whether you are doing ok. and he answers me - sleeping, he answers. or happy in there. and i honestly believe him. even though there is no way that he could possibly know what you're up to. i believe his instincts. i have no faith in my own. last time around, i thought you the baby was fine. but it turned out it hadn't been fine for a long time.

(it turns out that even now there is some part of my brain that feels like i'm carrying the same baby. i thought i understood by now that that's not true, but it seems not.)

and once more, there is no real reason to think that anything could be wrong. but then there wasn't last time, either. and so the lack of worrying signs is not reassuring. not at all.

my 20 week scan is in 10 days. 10 days. can i get through that without cracking up? without crying every day? D's not in work today. this would be my best opportunity to drag him to the hospital. but, god. haven't i already done that enough? would he complain? would he understand? i'm spending so much time second guessing that i don't even factor in whether it would be mentally good for me to do so or not. would the reassurance help me? or would giving in to the terror just make me believe that there really is a reason to worry, other than the fear of loss, the fear of history repeating itself? i wish i knew.

i just want to know you're ok. even the smallest possibility that you're not hurts me badly.

----

i have a sodding exam to go to this morning. i'm doing an adv.anced appre.nticeship through work and i have a test for it. i'm going to go, and hope that i don't break down half way through.

7 comments:

Miss Ruby said...

[o]

~x~

Jorgelina said...

*hugs* Good look on your exam!

Anonymous said...

Have you thought about buying/renting a doppler so that you can hear the babies heart beating? When I was pregnant it helped reasure me a great deal.

R. said...

I can only imagine how scary this all is for you. Thinking of you and YES, you will make it the 10 days. :)

B said...

thanks miss r and jorgelina.

anon - i'm going to address this in a blog post.

R, thank you :) ten days is do-able, right????

Illanare said...

(o) xx

Hope's Mama said...

I used to ask Simon the same thing all the time. I wish I believed him when he told me "yes". I still ask him sometimes when Angus is peacefully sleeping.
xo