i am so scared that it's true. i am so scared that you have left me.
i regularly ask your dad whether you are doing ok. and he answers me - sleeping, he answers. or happy in there. and i honestly believe him. even though there is no way that he could possibly know what you're up to. i believe his instincts. i have no faith in my own. last time around, i thought
(it turns out that even now there is some part of my brain that feels like i'm carrying the same baby. i thought i understood by now that that's not true, but it seems not.)
and once more, there is no real reason to think that anything could be wrong. but then there wasn't last time, either. and so the lack of worrying signs is not reassuring. not at all.
my 20 week scan is in 10 days. 10 days. can i get through that without cracking up? without crying every day? D's not in work today. this would be my best opportunity to drag him to the hospital. but, god. haven't i already done that enough? would he complain? would he understand? i'm spending so much time second guessing that i don't even factor in whether it would be mentally good for me to do so or not. would the reassurance help me? or would giving in to the terror just make me believe that there really is a reason to worry, other than the fear of loss, the fear of history repeating itself? i wish i knew.
i just want to know you're ok. even the smallest possibility that you're not hurts me badly.
i have a sodding exam to go to this morning. i'm doing an adv.anced appre.nticeship through work and i have a test for it. i'm going to go, and hope that i don't break down half way through.