Monday, 31 January 2011

so, so scared. all my belief is draining away. i need my baby to be ok. i'm so sure that something is wrong.

i'm so terrified.

i got a text yesterday saying 'i'm absolutely sure that everything will be fine this time'. i think the more unrelentingly positive people are, and the less they acknowledge the reality of our fears, the less positive i can feel. the less hope i feel there is.

i need you to be ok, little one. i love you so much.

10 comments:

Kelly said...

I know all that you've said before but in the end, if you can't shake the fear, call your doctor. No one would blame you and you're not weak. If you need to take that extra step to gain reassurance, that's ok.

(((HUGS)))

Hope's Mama said...

I just left a comment on another blog about this exact topic. I too found the excitement of others hard to stomach. Each and every new person I told who squealed in excitement made me want to tell people less. I just wanted to scream "but it was all fine last time and she died, don't you remember?"
I can SO relate to this post.
Sorry the fears are really setting in.
xo

Jorgelina said...

I'm not pregnant and never was, but I suffer from this as well. I can't think positive. I just CAN'T. I fear that if I enjoy something, it'll be taken away from me. If I have hopes that something will be ok, it'll get worse.

My uncle has cancer, a really bad one...my dad keeps saying that he'll be ok, that he's strong and all that...I just...I dread when he says it because I feel like he's tempting bad luck to show up and make things worse.

I know how you feel. I don't know what to say to help you get rid of that feeling, because I can't do that myself.

I'm really sorry it's all so scary for you, I'm sure therapy will help, maybe your therapist can give you a technique to control these fears when you are at your worst. And like Kelly said, if you can't handle the fear, then call the doctor. You might feel silly after calling them and everything was ok, but it's worse when you allow fears to run amok because they get irrational to the point where you can't think, breath or move.

I hope you can find a way to calm down, and for the fears to disappear. I can't tell you that everything is ok - most likely it is - but I sure can wish you and your family all the happiness in the world! *hugs* (see what I did? ;D wishing for something to be ok doesn't temp bad luck, because I'm not asserting it is ok :D)

R. said...

With everything you have been through, it is only normal to feel this way. Please be good to yourself during this time. I know it can't be easy. Thinking of you.

Ava's mummy said...

Sending much love and strength to you. It makes total sense about other people's excitement being so hard to bear. Pregnancy after loss is just so hard. Keeping you in my thoughts. x

trousers said...

I can really empathise with what Jorgelina said above - which means, by extension, that I empathise with you too, B.

Thinking of you x

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

I agree with you, such positive statements are hard for me to stomach. A few months ago now a friend's mom that I told about our loss when she asked if this was my first pregnancy responded with a "but everything will be fine with this baby." I *know* she meant well, but inside I was screaming. No - you don't KNOW everything will be fine. No one KNOWS these things for sure. If only we could though...

My motto continues to be - do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Pregnancy after loss is such a difficult journey... I think one time I told my therapist I talk to the baby and sometimes say something about sorry, mama's a little crazy right now, but I'md doing my best. I don't think she liked that because she clarified that pregnancy after loss can be CRAZY-MAKING, but I'm not crazy. Probably a good clarification. :)

Kimberly said...

I am thinking positive thoughts for you - I'll keep thinking them- hugs

Illanare said...

(o)

Miss Ruby said...

Best I not say anything, so just know I'm still reading.

~x~