Monday, 24 January 2011


i want a bath before bed so this is the (relatively) short version.

- i did my exam this morning. i actually ended up doing 2. i hadn't prepared for either. i got 90% on one (pass mark 47%; average mark only a little above that) and 98% (only one question wrong! - pass mark 67%) on the other. and i was stressed. go me. i didn't cry or anything. although i did cry in the car on the way. and then found out that i'd been following someone i knew a lot of the way. luckily she didn't seem to notice.

- i went back to work afterwards, although i called D beforehand, to see if he'd seen my note (i printed off this morning's blog post and left it for him to read with a message). he had, and he agreed with my opinion that going to the hospital would just reinforce in my subconscious that the only way to calm down when i'm freaking out is to go for a scan, that i have no choice over it or control over it. i think in the long run reinforcing this thought process would raise my anxiety levels, not lower them. and seeing as i can barely make 7 days without freaking out, i don't think that is an answer, not for me at least.

- i tried to call my midwife, just to get her opinion on that, but i couldn't get in touch with her :( in the end i called my doctors surgery and asked to speak to the duty doctor. i explained the situation to him (he's not someone i've seen) and he agreed that in the long run it would be self-defeating to run for a scan every time i panic over nothing (or, more accurately, over understandable fears but with no apparent trigger). he said that if i was finding it impossible to settle without a scan, that's different; but if i can give myself some time and calm myself down without running to the hospital, then that's better in the long run. for both myself and my baby.

- i want to deal with my issues before the baby is born. i don't want to teach my child to panic and to worry constantly. i want to be a better example than that.

- i'm terrified that the huge amount of stress i was putting on myself this morning (the first exam had relatively easy questions but you have to answer them *really* fast and i was panicking that i would run out of time... i didn't) has damaged the baby.

- i'm terrified that there really is something wrong and that in doing what i think is right for my mental health i'm losing time and that the baby either will die because of my lack of action, or is already dead. and then i will not only have to deal with babyloss again, but with actual guilt.

- i think i've felt movement today. but i've been thinking that since before christmas, and i'm still no more certain than i was then. if anything i'm less certain. shouldn't it be getting more definite? bigger? stronger?

- i don't want to get a doppler. i will blog about the two reasons why tomorrow, if i remember. i realise people are trying to help when they suggest it but it makes me frustrated. i know i'm the oddity in these parts for being like that, but hey ho.


ten days. nine days now, really. single digits. that's do-able, surely? without me losing the precarious grip i have on stability right now?


Kelly said...

First, great job on your exams!!

I could be way off here and I understand your rationale, but I really think you're being too hard on yourself, given what you've been through. Pregnancy after IF brings anxiety and add a 2nd tri loss and your "safe zone" is gone. I think you need to do whatever you need to do to keep yourself as calm as you can.

Illanare said...


Brooke said...

I completely understand your anxiety. Anytime I so much as think about the possibility of a future pregnancy, I already feel the tightening of that kind of anxiety. I wish I had some words of advice. I do know that stress does NOT hurt the baby (chronic stress from huge things like hunger/poverty/war can have potentially negative side effects but from what I've read, other kinds of anxiety--even major stress--is not harmful). The only thing I can imagine calming me down is the very pessimistic idea that no matter what is going on with the baby, it's entirely out of your control at this point. All you can do is breathe and get through the day. Getting through the day hour by hour is a difficult way to live, but I agree with you that it's preferable to racing to the hospital in a panic every two days. Take it easy on yourself if you can.

Anonymous said...

Hi B,

Regarding the 'scan for reassuranec dilemma', you might find the CBT concept of safety behaviours useful.

Love, Anon

biojen said...

Congrats on your exams, those are great scores. As far as the freaking out goes - let me just say I am in awe you can put a sentence together right now. You are doing a good job, mom. Just take one day at a time, just as we've both had to do for the last year and some odd. Keep reminding yourself this is all out of your control (that does NOT relax me, but hopefully it does you).

- Okay, lecture over. Seriously, though, I am thinking of you constantly and holding my breath with you. Take care.

Sue said...

Conrats on your brilliant exam results. Try not to be too hard on yourself B. Look for the positives; You got through the day without having to go for a scan; You faced your fears, spoke to the doctor and tried to rationalise things despite such huge and understandable fear; and then you go out there and achieve those terrific exam marks! All in all I think you should be pretty proud of yourself. And now only eight days (and I'm counting with you)
((Hugs)) xx

Kelly said...

I nominated you for a blog award!

Merry said...

B my darling, I'm not remotely belittling your fears as I know exactly how crippling they can be BUT... I promise you that being stressed and worried will not harm your baby. They are particularly selfish little wotsits at getting all they ned and leaving you with the remnants.

If it helps at all, try telling yourself that if stress, fear and anxiety affected pregnancies, no babies would be born alive in war zones. I know it requires a strong set of gritted teeth to believe it, but it is true.

Carol said...

Having known someone who used a doppler, I would say DON'T get one. They are sooo difficult to position properly you would probably make your anxiety worse. As some of the others have already said, your stress will NOT harm the baby at all, however I know it would be stupid to say "so don't worry". Take each day as it comes - you have already come on in leaps and bounds. I am so looking forward to hearing how your scan goes. And congrats on such good exam results!