i want a bath before bed so this is the (relatively) short version.
- i did my exam this morning. i actually ended up doing 2. i hadn't prepared for either. i got 90% on one (pass mark 47%; average mark only a little above that) and 98% (only one question wrong! - pass mark 67%) on the other. and i was stressed. go me. i didn't cry or anything. although i did cry in the car on the way. and then found out that i'd been following someone i knew a lot of the way. luckily she didn't seem to notice.
- i went back to work afterwards, although i called D beforehand, to see if he'd seen my note (i printed off this morning's blog post and left it for him to read with a message). he had, and he agreed with my opinion that going to the hospital would just reinforce in my subconscious that the only way to calm down when i'm freaking out is to go for a scan, that i have no choice over it or control over it. i think in the long run reinforcing this thought process would raise my anxiety levels, not lower them. and seeing as i can barely make 7 days without freaking out, i don't think that is an answer, not for me at least.
- i tried to call my midwife, just to get her opinion on that, but i couldn't get in touch with her :( in the end i called my doctors surgery and asked to speak to the duty doctor. i explained the situation to him (he's not someone i've seen) and he agreed that in the long run it would be self-defeating to run for a scan every time i panic over nothing (or, more accurately, over understandable fears but with no apparent trigger). he said that if i was finding it impossible to settle without a scan, that's different; but if i can give myself some time and calm myself down without running to the hospital, then that's better in the long run. for both myself and my baby.
- i want to deal with my issues before the baby is born. i don't want to teach my child to panic and to worry constantly. i want to be a better example than that.
- i'm terrified that the huge amount of stress i was putting on myself this morning (the first exam had relatively easy questions but you have to answer them *really* fast and i was panicking that i would run out of time... i didn't) has damaged the baby.
- i'm terrified that there really is something wrong and that in doing what i think is right for my mental health i'm losing time and that the baby either will die because of my lack of action, or is already dead. and then i will not only have to deal with babyloss again, but with actual guilt.
- i think i've felt movement today. but i've been thinking that since before christmas, and i'm still no more certain than i was then. if anything i'm less certain. shouldn't it be getting more definite? bigger? stronger?
- i don't want to get a doppler. i will blog about the two reasons why tomorrow, if i remember. i realise people are trying to help when they suggest it but it makes me frustrated. i know i'm the oddity in these parts for being like that, but hey ho.
ten days. nine days now, really. single digits. that's do-able, surely? without me losing the precarious grip i have on stability right now?