yesterday was D's birthday. this was my post from his birthday last year. we first kissed on his birthday, so it's always a special day for us.
we'd known each other somewhere around a year at that point, maybe a little longer. i'd been hugely attracted to him from the first moment i saw him, but i had a boyfriend i was happy with so i just put it down to pheromones or something. D had never given me any inkling that he might be interested. we were just friends, albeit i was in awe of him; he was a proper goth at the time and seemed far too cool even to be my friend.
that night, i ended up going out with a load of people for his birthday while my then-boyfriend went out with some other people. i got rather drunk in the pub and ended up saying to our best friend, J, 'don't let me get off with* D tonight'.
little did i know that D had cornered J separately and said to him 'don't let me get off with B tonight'.
* 'get off with' in the 90s = 'make out with', i guess.
so, yeah. at this point J threw up his hands and left us alone. we were all supposed to be going clubbing afterwards but only J and the two of us ended up in the queue, D telling me he was cold and putting his hands in my coat pockets to keep them warm. J disappeared the second we got into the club.
i held out as long as i could, but i wanted so badly to kiss him that it was always just a matter of time.
i told my boyfriend the next day what had happened. for the next four weeks or so i flitted from one to the other, not thinking there was any future with D, but unable to stay away. in the end even D told me i should go back to the boyfriend; he thought at the time the other guy was the better long term prospect.
as for me... well, i kinda wish i'd put together in my head that anytime you start kissing other guys, you really should stop to consider whether you want to stay in your primary relationship. as it turned out, i didn't, but i stayed with him out of a misguided sense of guilt until a year later, when - irony of ironies (or maybe just karma catching up with me?) - he cheated on me.
it took another couple of years after that, but in the end i bumped into D again, and had the same sense of being slammed into a wall from full speed of 'this is the guy you should be with'. it took me a while to get up the courage to tell him how i felt, but when i finally did he told me he felt the same :) we've been together ever since - 10.5 years. we got married nearly 7 years ago now.
last night D picked me up from work and told me that he needed to drop something off in town before we went home - not unusual. he drove us into town and parked the car. 'come with me?' he said.
that part was unusual. i wondered why, guessed maybe he had discovered a work connection with someone we know as we walked down the street. but then he stopped and grabbed my hand. 'it's cold,' he said, suddenly a little bashful. 'can i put my hands in your pockets?'
and then i realised we were right outside where the club used to be. as near as we could get to the place where we first kissed.
fourteen years. it's amazing to think of all the years that have passed since our first kiss. and you know what? for the sake of having him, even all the pain i have lived in the past 14 months is worth it. i love him that much.
i couldn't stop grinning for the rest of the night. this guy next to never buys me flowers. he wouldn't ever dance with me, anywhere, even to a song he loves. he'd never make me breakfast in bed. but he will drive me to the scene of our first kiss 14 years later, just to make me smile.
love you, D. thank you for helping me get through this last year's shit. you mean the world to me and i love you more than i can say.