D is out tonight. With some friends from work. I was out earlier but cried off as early as I could and came home.
He just called. He is drunk and on his own in his friend's car while she and another girl are off getting burgers. He's waiting for them to come back so he can get home.
Hopefully he'll be home soon.
At the end of the call, he said 'love you, and the baby'.
and it broke my heart. because he is trusting me to look after the baby. to keep it alive and well and healthy. and i don't believe it. i don't believe i'm capable of that.
i want him to have a night off from everything. from my fears and craziness. i want him to be drunk and happy. yes, even on a work night.
i just need everything to be ok. i can't stand the thought that his heart might break on thursday. right now that thought is actually worse than the thought of my own heart breaking.
i could bear it happening to me. i don't know if i could bear it happening to him.