first things first?
the baby's fine.
this post is rather bitty. my brain's jumping around. sorry in advance about that.
i was actually ok this morning. quite calm.
i wasn't very optimistic though. i cleaned up before i went. made sure the house was tidy (well, as tidy as it gets round here) and the washing was done. i even left my toothbrush and PJs and deodorant and moisturiser out, in case i needed to stay in hospital for any reason and D needed to come back and pick them up for me.
i was even ok in the waiting room. they were running late, so we had to wait about half an hour before we were called in. i was chatting to D about the White Stripes breaking up and stuff. but when they called us through and i got onto the bed the sense of dread returned, the sense that there was no hope. i started crying. D had to explain why.
but the baby was fine. all the checks they do, fine. spine and stomach and lips and feet and heart and everything else, all fine.
and? he's a little boy.
same as they told us three weeks ago. i don't necessarily trust being told once, but two different people... yeah. and anyway, it feels right. i was expecting a girl - i only have sisters - and i was a little shocked when they first said boy, but only for a few seconds. after that... it felt right.
it seems more real since finding out he's a boy. like there's more to lose.
i just talked to D. i'm shocked at how worried he is about my mental state. he says i'm not showing any signs at all that i'm happy to be pregnant. i hadn't realised how badly i seemed like i was doing, to him at least.
he needs me to enjoy this. even if things are going to end badly.
i don't know if i'm capable of doing that. but i need to try. for D's sake and for my little boy's sake, if not for my own.
yesterday some pain started. nasty abdominal pain, on the left side of my torso. i saw my GP tonight and she reckons it's just muscles and ligaments doing their stretching thing. it's... weird. it feels like it should be scary, but it's not.
but it's really painful, and it's something that constantly makes me wonder if everything really is ok.
basically, everything is ok.
people are expecting me to be thrilled. i'm relieved but... just relieved, and tired. i'm glad he's ok but haven't got the energy to be excited. not yet at least.
the movement has felt a bit more definite today. maybe if that trend continues over the next few days i'll feel a bit more excited?
i hope so.
i'm having a little boy. i never thought i'd really want a little boy, but i do. more than i can say.