Thursday, 3 February 2011

first things first?

the baby's fine.

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this post is rather bitty. my brain's jumping around. sorry in advance about that.

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i was actually ok this morning. quite calm.

i wasn't very optimistic though. i cleaned up before i went. made sure the house was tidy (well, as tidy as it gets round here) and the washing was done. i even left my toothbrush and PJs and deodorant and moisturiser out, in case i needed to stay in hospital for any reason and D needed to come back and pick them up for me.

i was even ok in the waiting room. they were running late, so we had to wait about half an hour before we were called in. i was chatting to D about the White Stripes breaking up and stuff. but when they called us through and i got onto the bed the sense of dread returned, the sense that there was no hope. i started crying. D had to explain why.

but the baby was fine. all the checks they do, fine. spine and stomach and lips and feet and heart and everything else, all fine.

and? he's a little boy.

same as they told us three weeks ago. i don't necessarily trust being told once, but two different people... yeah. and anyway, it feels right. i was expecting a girl - i only have sisters - and i was a little shocked when they first said boy, but only for a few seconds. after that... it felt right.

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it seems more real since finding out he's a boy. like there's more to lose.

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i just talked to D. i'm shocked at how worried he is about my mental state. he says i'm not showing any signs at all that i'm happy to be pregnant. i hadn't realised how badly i seemed like i was doing, to him at least.

he needs me to enjoy this. even if things are going to end badly.

i don't know if i'm capable of doing that. but i need to try. for D's sake and for my little boy's sake, if not for my own.

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yesterday some pain started. nasty abdominal pain, on the left side of my torso. i saw my GP tonight and she reckons it's just muscles and ligaments doing their stretching thing. it's... weird. it feels like it should be scary, but it's not.

but it's really painful, and it's something that constantly makes me wonder if everything really is ok.

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basically, everything is ok.

people are expecting me to be thrilled. i'm relieved but... just relieved, and tired. i'm glad he's ok but haven't got the energy to be excited. not yet at least.

the movement has felt a bit more definite today. maybe if that trend continues over the next few days i'll feel a bit more excited?

i hope so.

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i'm having a little boy. i never thought i'd really want a little boy, but i do. more than i can say.

15 comments:

Jorgelina said...

B, I'm so relieved for you, D and your little boy! Don't worry that you can't show excitement, I guess that when you go into that magical thought of "if I think negative things the negative things won't happen" excitement is nowhere to be found. But rest assured that deep down is in you. Maybe you can allow yourself to feel it in therapy first, since it's a safe enviroment.

This is good news, B! Thanks for sharing them with us! ♥

biojen said...

whew. I was waiting for your post, hoping everything was okay. I'm happy for you and D and your little boy. I know what you mean about not enjoying so don't stress - it's enough to take care of yourself right now. I hope he keeps wriggling and letting you know he's okay. Hang in there.

Hope's Mama said...

"people are expecting me to be thrilled. i'm relieved but... just relieved, and tired. i'm glad he's ok but haven't got the energy to be excited. not yet at least."

Yep, this was me too. The time for excitement will come, but that's ok if it is not now.

And yay, a little boy. I know he will just melt your heart.

xo

Kelly said...

YAY!! What fantastic news!! And, yay for the official team blue!

Angela said...

Fabulous news! I so badly wanted a boy for my first, but when they said girl my heart instantly longed to meet that girl.

I know how perilous all this feels. I am so happy for you, mama, and proud too.

C.A. Marshall said...

Oh, a little lad! I'm so happy for you guys! <3

Miss Ruby said...

[o]

mare said...

a boy <3

so glad to hear your news.

xo

Brooke said...

I'm also relieved for you AND I want to congratulate you on expecting a sweet baby boy. I know it must be terrifying... but is it still better than being not pregnant? I ask this question in all seriousness. As frightened and worried as you are, is it still better to be expecting?

Anonymous said...

I am very happy for you, the baby and D. Claudia.

Giver said...

So glad to hear all went well, just enjoy the feeling of relief. I too relate to that sense of dread in the ultrasound room - I've only had two this pregnancy and burst into tears before they touched me!

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

I was thinking about you yesterday and hoping to hear from you soon. Of course I have my own sense of relief to hear all is well, so I can only imagine your feelings. Truly, so very happy for you.

Jenn said...

What lovely news, B. It's okay to feel what you are feeling, but still, I'm happy for you that all is well. xx

Illanare said...

Lovely news. (o)

Carol said...

I'm so pleased for you! There will be aches and pains, and I know your mind will jump to conclusions that they are bad things, but in pregnancy they usually are the opposite. I hope they aren't too painful for you (My ligaments were so bad with my youngest I ended up on crutches until he was born!) Take each day as it comes and you will start to enjoy it all in some way, perhaps not quite the same way someone else would, but in a way that is right for you. You just wait till he starts practising his rugby/football moves in there! It won't be long.