Monday, 28 February 2011

sunday night freak out

wow, not had one of these for a few weeks. guess that proves how much better i've been doing these last three weeks or so.

i was ok. i've been scared again today, asking D for reassurance all the time, but i've been ok. talking about when we'll want people to come round and meet the baby after he's born - you know, the kind of stuff you don't exactly talk about on the days when you're convinced your baby won't make it.

i cried a little this morning. talking about whether you would change what could have been. of course i wish things could have worked out differently - but it's not that simple any more. to want to go back and change the past would mean undoing this baby, this little boy who i already love. and i couldn't do that.

does that kind of make my snowflake the price i had to pay for this baby?

that's sh.it if so. horrible.

but seeing as i've already paid that price, i might as well accept it. the only thing haggling would do right now is cost me more.

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the problem is, as i realised this morning, that i'm now at the stage where if the worst happened and this baby died too, i would not want to undo it. i would not want to wind the clock back and undo my baby's existence.

and i think that maybe that's why, as i switched the light off tonight, i started to cry. and cry and cry. because i love this little one. more than i want to. i don't want to be lost in hope. i want to hold some of myself back. so if the worst was to happen, i'd have a tiny piece of me that wasn't fully destroyed. and i know better than to think like that. i know that's not how it works. but still i try.

my midwife keeps telling me to have faith in my baby. and i do. i do have faith in him. i believe he can do it. but i don't believe in my body's ability to keep him alive and well. and worse, i don't believe in my body's ability to signal that something is wrong. last time i carried a dead baby for over four weeks and only discovered the truth at a routine check up. this time, i guess lack of movement would mean that at this stage i wouldn't have that kind of gap between something going wrong and me finding out, but.... but. still.

he's moving differently this weekend. he seems to move less at weekends anyway, but he's moving differently yesterday and today. i can't put my finger on how but it's so hard not to second guess. are his movements getting weaker? is it a bad sign that they've changed? should i go and get it checked out? and i'm just so scared of not getting checked out, but i'm scared of getting checked out too.

and my heartbeat is high the last few days too as well, although my blood pressure was fine when i got an emergency appointment with a nurse on wednesday, but i'm still scared that there could be something wrong, that my rapid (well, around 80bpm) heartbeat could hurt him, or could be a sign of something wrong.

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(while i've been writing this post, of course, he's been moving more definitely. so at the least, i think i can believe he's ok right now.)

---

at the end of this week, i travel to my parents' house. i stay there overnight and then fly with one sister to visit our other sister in mainland europe. without D, who will stay home and do some DIY without worrying about me inhaling fumes or the like.

i think that this fear, this terror of something going wrong *now*, is partly because i'm scared that something will go wrong while i'm away, in a foreign country where i don't speak the language well enough for a hospital stay (although my sister could translate well enough, it's not the same) and where, worse, i would be without D.

what if the baby dies while i'm away?

what if he stops moving and my sister has to find me a hospital so i can get them to check he's ok?

what if they need to do an emergency section? would he be considered viable there? (i think he would, but it's hard not knowing for sure.)

and what if something went wrong and D wasn't there?

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i had a dream last night. i was staying at a hotel. maybe for a family wedding, i'm not sure. but i wandered off to a nearby park, running across busy roads to get there.

and i climbed in up a steep and muddy hill, let myself in through huge wooden doors.

but i was barely inside before hotel staff approached me. before they told me i couldn't go in there. i didn't belong. i would have to leave.

and i didn't get the symbolism when i woke up. but tonight, while making my hot chocolate after getting out of bed, suddenly it became clear. that's the outcome i'm afraid of. that even after all this time i still won't get to be a mother. i still won't get to enter that mystical land.

---

this sucks. (understatement of the year?)

i just want to know that my little boy will be OK.

13 comments:

Kelly said...

I just had a Sunday night freak-out, too and here I am!

Just like your midwife, I want you to try to believe and have faith in your baby. Anything else will drive you crazy (listen to me, as if I'm some wise woman here).

(((HUGS))) to you. And, FWIW, I think you're doing great.

Jenn said...

Be gentle with yourself, you're totally allowed a freak-out here and there. I hope your trip goes wonderfully and that all is well and will continue to be well and will end well. Thinking of you. xx

Hanen said...

I think you are doing well - acknowledging these fears without letting them control you.

I love that in your dream, you endured busy roads, steep, muddy hills and intimidating doors to get where you wanted to go. Even if you're now discovering some new fears just when you thought you'd "arrived", that doesn't take away from all your courageous work to get there. And after all it took to get there, maybe it is the hospital staff's mistake and not yours. Sending good thoughts and hoping you can enjoy your time with your parents and sister (and the little person kicking you). xxh

Rebecca said...

Ack! Assurance that he will be okay seems like such a small thing to ask for...but that would mean so much. I can't say for sure, but I can definitely give my own hope for you that your little boy comes out of this okay.

Miss Ruby said...

[o]

Hope's Mama said...

I wish I could give you that assurance. But I do believe in him and I most definitely believe in you.
xo

d.b. said...

Beth, whereabouts are you going? Would it be any help if you knew some hospitals you could call before you go to Europe? If it's a German speaking region you're going to, don't hesitate to ask me to do a little research.

mare said...

thinking of you B. as someone else said, i believe in him and i believe in you.

Brooke said...

I've always been a bit of a worrier, trying to keep myself covered by imagining how I would respond to a million what-if scenarios. And then someone told me that it's ok to just trust my future self. Rather than preparing for everything that could go wrong, trust that IF something does go wrong, I will make the best decisions I can given those circumstances and preparing for all of the various possibilities really wouldn't help. It would just exhaust me.

I got this advice long before I lost a baby, but I keep holding on to it because I can only imagine how exhausting the worry is.

And when things are really grim, I tell myself to remember the Holocaust. If people survived that, then surely I can survive THIS.

Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

Merry said...

Dear B,
The odds are good :) I hope all carries on well.

Am going to take a little break from here now as the 'little boy' refs are too much for me now. I'm sure you understand. I'll have everything crossed for you (even my legs, this month!) and will peep in that other place to check up on you lots and lots.

Lots of love.

Illanare said...

(o)

B said...

Thank you all so much. I'm a bit better today but still scared.

You are all so lovely to me and I'm terrible at replying to emails and comments and everything right now... I want to but can't force myself to do it. But I do appreciate every one and will reply in the end, I promise.

db - thanks for that offer. it's much appreciated.

Aoife said...

"i don't want to be lost in hope. i want to hold some of myself back. so if the worst was to happen, i'd have a tiny piece of me that wasn't fully destroyed."

I'm reading your archives, so this is totally out of context for you, but just wanted to say that this is EXACTLY how I feel right now... Pregnancy after loss us so so hard. I'm permanently exhausted by the conflicting emotions. xx