Sunday, 20 February 2011

Thank you all for your support last week. I still can't come anywhere close to believing what happened to my friend. It's just so wrong. I can't get my head around how unfair life is.

I want to say more about that situation but there's not really anything else to say, is there? I can't really support her; I know how hard it is to deal with pregnant people in the aftermath of a loss, so there isn't really anything I can do. And that's hard to accept but it's true.

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Emotionally and mentally, I'm still not doing too bad, considering. I'm not doing as well as I was before I heard about my friend but I'm still doing OK. Not panicking. Fairly worried but at a bearable level. Finding it hard to believe that my baby is OK but also finding it hard to believe that there could be anything wrong. Which, on balance, I'll take; it's better than the long time when I was just waiting for the minute where it went wrong.

We're thinking about getting a 4D scan at the hospital I'm booked into. D has some money saved that he was going to put towards a TV and I have £50 from Christmas that I don't know what to do with, so we'd only have to find an extra £25, which I'm sure we could do. Part of me thinks that we should save that money and use it on things for the baby. But part of me thinks that... well, part of me thinks it will help me to believe in the baby. That it will stop the part of me that's still holding back. Most of me isn't now, but... part of me still is.

And part of me thinks that... that if this baby doesn't survive, at least I'll have that memory. At least I'll always know it was real.

I don't know. Part of me thinks it's a good idea, part of me doesn't. Any opinions welcome.

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Physically I'm mostly OK but my ears are stuffed full of wax and I can't hear through my right ear and haven't been able to since Monday night. It is driving me insane. I cannot wait to get my ears syringed (I don't think it's going to clear up on its own but I have to wait for the wax to soften which is going to take FOREVER.)

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And, there's something I've been wanting to talk about at my private blog, but before I do I wanted to know how people react when they know their friends and family are going through a tough time - what a 'normal' response is. But I only have five readers over there (do email me if you want to join them!!!) so I'm posting a survey here. It's only got one question. Please do fill it in! Here you go.....

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5 comments:

Illanare said...

(o)

Miss Ruby said...

if ANYONE i love and cherish and care about is going through a hard time, i want to help them in whatever way i can - be it listening, offering advice, sending something to make them smile - ANYTHING - i don't want to "fix it" i just wan't to help them :-)

isn't that the normal thing to do?

hope those ears clear up soon for you

~x~

Hope's Mama said...

I'd love to read your other blog. I think you have my email.
xo

Sue said...

I'd love to read your other blog. As for the 4-d scan, I would say go with your heart. I saw one for the first time fairly recently and was blown away by how real it makes the pregnancy (I hope that makes sense). In that respect I would say it definitely would help you believe in the baby. Have you discussed your thoughts on this with your cbt therapist? It might help you clarify how you feel.
xxx

clare said...

Not sure if it's available in your area - But, when I was pregnant in my subsequent pg to Alfie I went to our local sands 'next pg support meetings'. They were run by a qualified mw who is also a bereavement counsellor that coupled with ehr giving me 1 2 1 support really helped. Have you approached your local sands? x