Tuesday, 15 March 2011

the hospital have cancelled our 4d scan that was booked for tomorrow :(

not sure when we'll be able to reschedule for, but i just wanted to let you know in case anyone was looking forward to an update tomorrow.

i'll let you know that happens.

Sunday, 13 March 2011

i'm still not here (although apparently i am commenting on other people's blogs still; i'm quite surprised) but these thoughts have been going through my head for a few days and i think i just need to splurge them.

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i'm not going to be able to drive for much longer. the pedals in our car are quite far forward and my legs are relatively short. the steering wheel won't raise any higher, and i'm already starting to think my bump is unnervingly close to it. this is quite frustrating. i don't need to drive for work or anything, but... it's frustrating and quite limiting to think i'll have months when i can't.

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i want a necklace for the new baby. i have one for my snowflake, but it seems kind of disloyal to the baby to only have one for his sibling. but i've no idea what kind of thing i want, and i'm not sure whether i really want to buy one before he's born. will have to keep thinking about this one, i guess.

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i've been reading birthing books - i mentioned that here. i ended up writing a review for one of them on amazon here, at least partly because it disturbs me how against antenatal testing the author is and how little time she gives to her arguments against it. she doesn't even attempt to state the case for testing, just emphasises that they are not compulsory, and... i don't know. it just really freaks me out. i can't imagine it will do any good and that a future edition would change on the strength of one amazon review, but you never know, do you?

at least maybe they'll include contact details for Sands next time.

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i talked to my mum about the situation with my cousin. i wasn't sure how she'd react but she was very understanding.

she saw my cousin's brother a couple of days later. and she talked to him about it. i was mortified, but apparently he didn't even let her get very far into the story before he stopped her and said to tell me not to upset myself about it, that she gets very upset and lashes out quite regularly and that i shouldn't take it personally.

i don't think she told him the bit where what she had said had quite upset me, but his response made me feel much better.

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and a funny one to finish.

D anthropomorphosises just.about.everything. he's good at it, and he mostly makes me laugh. but last week in the supermarket he picked up a box of mini Cornish pasties, and he said 'they're so small, and they're out without their mum!'

and i cried.

right there in a.s.d.a.

for the sake of the poor lonely Cornish pasties.

i think i need to get a grip :)

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

i need to step back.

i have loads of blog posts i want to write, and loads of comments on blogs i want to write, and... just generally lots to do.

but i need to step back.

my pregnancy is going well (my midwife, with a look of slight distain, today called me 'normal' - it was a joke, but true, right now at least). my baby is finally moving so that i'm sure of what i'm feeling. when i went to visit my sister last friday, that wasn't true. but by sunday his movements were so strong that my other sister could feel them. it's like he suddenly got the hang of it.

i'm still worried - he was quiet this morning, and i was scared, but i had a midwife appointment today and his heartbeat was fine, and he's moving a lot this evening - but... it's not as bad. it's nowhere near as bad. it almost feels like 'normal' pregnancy worrying, rather than 'pregnancy after loss' worrying.

i have a 4d scan booked for next week. i'll let you know how it goes.

i'm scared to say it 'out loud', but i'm happy. i've finally got some proper good memories of this pregnancy, ones that last more than a few hours here and there. i hope the 4d scan next week will create some more, and some more concrete ones.

i can admit, now, that if he died now i would be glad that he had existed. that i would want to remember him. that i wouldn't erase his life if i had half the chance. i can't say that about my first pregnancy. at least not with confidence.

(the main reason that i wouldn't want to erase that pregnancy now is that to do so would also erase this child. my son. and that's a strange, uncomfortable thought. please know that i love my first child and wanted him or her more than anything. but i'm not sure, if i had the chance, whether i would change history.)

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i keep coming back to the internet. but right now, it feels like habit and fear that keep me here, not a positive choice.

i had a great weekend with my sisters. we didn't do anything amazing - had a trip to a lake and went on a boat, watched three films (!), ate nice food - but... it felt normal. felt like something a normal pregnant woman would do, spend time with her sisters and enjoy being pregnant.

(not the part where i feared that the plane journey had somehow killed him. that bit wasn't good. but he's ok.)

i think i need to go away and be normal for a while.

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i might post at my other blogs while i'm not posting here, it's hard to say for sure. but it's worth keeping an eye out, i guess. and like i say i'll let you know how the 4d scan goes.

i don't think this will last for long but if it looks like becoming permanent i'll come back and say so.

but i think i'll be back here by the time 2-3 weeks has passed. if that.

Thursday, 3 March 2011

i posted something on facebook.
one of my cousins read it as an attack on her and how she parents her son.
i didn't dream in a million years she could have read it like that, and i never would have posted it if i'd realised.
it was probably a stupid thing to do anyway.
she responded angrily and when i read her response i could understand why. and i'm glad she responded rather than just being angry with me and hiding it.
but.

but.

she said something like 'you try breas.tfeeding while looking after two kids after two and trying to feed them healthily'.

and oh god, it hurt.

i wish my life had worked out like that.

i wish i could confidently believe that this baby will be ok.

i wish i knew for a fact that i'll be able to breas.tfeed like i hope to, like i plan to.

and that my husband will agree to us trying again.

and that that baby will be ok too.

i wish i believed that i could ever know what that feels like.

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i apologised to my cousin. deleted the offending post. i hope she understands that i wasn't criticising her, even though she read it that way. and i hope noone else who saw it thought i was criticising her.

i hate that i hurt her.

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i was so jealous when she was pregnant that i had to hide her on facebook.

she's always been lovely to me.

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i don't know how to end this. i just guess i wish i hadn't made that stupid post.

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i don't think anyone would, but just to be clear: please don't criticise my cousin. she's not the one in the wrong.

and don't tell me i'm not in the wrong. i did something stupid and hurt someone who's doing a brilliant job and i wish i hadn't been so stupid.

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

i just marked a load of posts unread in google reader. i hate doing that but sometimes i need to.

i'm hoping to keep up when i'm back. but i just wanted to make sure y'all know that i'm reading, even if i never get round to commenting.

maybe one day i'll stop being such a comment-perfectionist and then i'll comment more :)