Wednesday, 9 March 2011

i need to step back.

i have loads of blog posts i want to write, and loads of comments on blogs i want to write, and... just generally lots to do.

but i need to step back.

my pregnancy is going well (my midwife, with a look of slight distain, today called me 'normal' - it was a joke, but true, right now at least). my baby is finally moving so that i'm sure of what i'm feeling. when i went to visit my sister last friday, that wasn't true. but by sunday his movements were so strong that my other sister could feel them. it's like he suddenly got the hang of it.

i'm still worried - he was quiet this morning, and i was scared, but i had a midwife appointment today and his heartbeat was fine, and he's moving a lot this evening - but... it's not as bad. it's nowhere near as bad. it almost feels like 'normal' pregnancy worrying, rather than 'pregnancy after loss' worrying.

i have a 4d scan booked for next week. i'll let you know how it goes.

i'm scared to say it 'out loud', but i'm happy. i've finally got some proper good memories of this pregnancy, ones that last more than a few hours here and there. i hope the 4d scan next week will create some more, and some more concrete ones.

i can admit, now, that if he died now i would be glad that he had existed. that i would want to remember him. that i wouldn't erase his life if i had half the chance. i can't say that about my first pregnancy. at least not with confidence.

(the main reason that i wouldn't want to erase that pregnancy now is that to do so would also erase this child. my son. and that's a strange, uncomfortable thought. please know that i love my first child and wanted him or her more than anything. but i'm not sure, if i had the chance, whether i would change history.)

---

i keep coming back to the internet. but right now, it feels like habit and fear that keep me here, not a positive choice.

i had a great weekend with my sisters. we didn't do anything amazing - had a trip to a lake and went on a boat, watched three films (!), ate nice food - but... it felt normal. felt like something a normal pregnant woman would do, spend time with her sisters and enjoy being pregnant.

(not the part where i feared that the plane journey had somehow killed him. that bit wasn't good. but he's ok.)

i think i need to go away and be normal for a while.

---

i might post at my other blogs while i'm not posting here, it's hard to say for sure. but it's worth keeping an eye out, i guess. and like i say i'll let you know how the 4d scan goes.

i don't think this will last for long but if it looks like becoming permanent i'll come back and say so.

but i think i'll be back here by the time 2-3 weeks has passed. if that.

12 comments:

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Enjoy your break, and by all means, be normal. :) It's a refreshing feeling! You are and will be in my thoughts.

biojen said...

Do whatever you need to. I'm so glad to hear things are going well right now. I'll be thinking of you - I am here if you need to talk, or if you need space. Much love to you.

Hope's Mama said...

Both happy and sad to read this!
We'll miss you, but I'll check out your other blogs.
xo

mare said...

so happy to hear about the trip and how you've been feeling. i will check out your other blogs. i have been meaning to email you about your private blog as well. i would very much like to read it.

xoxo.

Brooke said...

I completely understand. There are some blogs I can't read now because they heighten my anxiety and fear in general. It has been wonderful to connect with others who have been through this, but it can also become a sadness cycle, clicking from blog to blog and crying from sympathy and self-pity and fear and horror... It's hard to balance sometimes. So take care of you. We will miss you around here.

Jenn said...

I also completely understand, too. Enjoy the time off!

Illanare said...

Will miss you, but totally understand (o)

Miss Ruby said...

what illanare said.

you have to do what's right for you.

~x~

Jorgelina said...

So glad you're feeling better and that your little boy is swimming around and you can feel him!
Must have been nice to hang around your sisters, maybe that helped you relaxed and he relaxed as well.

Whatever you do this time off take your camera with you! Take photos of yourself and your belly bump and have fun, eat something yummy, give in to your cravings and enjoy and relax as much as possible!

Will be thinking of yous *hugs*

Jorgelina said...

Awwwww, my post didnt get posted! I don't know if it's my account doing it or my browser failing (it's been struggling with comments of late).

I can't remember what I typed, just going to retype the main bit "will be thinking of you *hugs*"

B said...

Jorgelina, I have no idea why three of your comments got marked as spam - I received email notifications for them as usual so it didn't occur to me that they hadn't been posted. I'm marked them as 'not spam' now and will keep an eye on my spam-box on here.

Thank you all for understanding. It really helps.
xxx

Jorgelina said...

Pfff! I don't know what's going on! Blogger and Google aren't letting me log in, I need to verify don't know what with a mobile number (had to ask my sister for hers since I don't own a mobile!) but the code is not coming through! I really hope I don't lose my accounts! :(