i need to step back.
i have loads of blog posts i want to write, and loads of comments on blogs i want to write, and... just generally lots to do.
but i need to step back.
my pregnancy is going well (my midwife, with a look of slight distain, today called me 'normal' - it was a joke, but true, right now at least). my baby is finally moving so that i'm sure of what i'm feeling. when i went to visit my sister last friday, that wasn't true. but by sunday his movements were so strong that my other sister could feel them. it's like he suddenly got the hang of it.
i'm still worried - he was quiet this morning, and i was scared, but i had a midwife appointment today and his heartbeat was fine, and he's moving a lot this evening - but... it's not as bad. it's nowhere near as bad. it almost feels like 'normal' pregnancy worrying, rather than 'pregnancy after loss' worrying.
i have a 4d scan booked for next week. i'll let you know how it goes.
i'm scared to say it 'out loud', but i'm happy. i've finally got some proper good memories of this pregnancy, ones that last more than a few hours here and there. i hope the 4d scan next week will create some more, and some more concrete ones.
i can admit, now, that if he died now i would be glad that he had existed. that i would want to remember him. that i wouldn't erase his life if i had half the chance. i can't say that about my first pregnancy. at least not with confidence.
(the main reason that i wouldn't want to erase that pregnancy now is that to do so would also erase this child. my son. and that's a strange, uncomfortable thought. please know that i love my first child and wanted him or her more than anything. but i'm not sure, if i had the chance, whether i would change history.)
i keep coming back to the internet. but right now, it feels like habit and fear that keep me here, not a positive choice.
i had a great weekend with my sisters. we didn't do anything amazing - had a trip to a lake and went on a boat, watched three films (!), ate nice food - but... it felt normal. felt like something a normal pregnant woman would do, spend time with her sisters and enjoy being pregnant.
(not the part where i feared that the plane journey had somehow killed him. that bit wasn't good. but he's ok.)
i think i need to go away and be normal for a while.
i might post at my other blogs while i'm not posting here, it's hard to say for sure. but it's worth keeping an eye out, i guess. and like i say i'll let you know how the 4d scan goes.
i don't think this will last for long but if it looks like becoming permanent i'll come back and say so.
but i think i'll be back here by the time 2-3 weeks has passed. if that.