Sunday, 24 April 2011

Something else I wanted to say.

I talked here about the fact that the end of November, the anniversary of finding out the baby had died, will always be harder than the beginning of May, when my due date should have been.

And I still think that's true. May is a time for sad smiles, for thinking about what-might-have-been. November is a time for remembering shock and grief and cold and misery.

Last year the run up to 6th May was horrible. I slid back into grief and depression after thinking I was getting better, doing OK. But the day itself was OK. Not too bad.

This year... I would be lying if I said that being pregnant didn't make it easier. It does - although the fact I'll still have six weeks to go til my due date reminds me of just how very long it took us to get pregnant again. Ten months + felt like a very, very long time. It's hard to accept that from our loss to holding a living baby (please) will be a gap of over eighteen months. (And in related news, tomorrow is 17 months. How on earth has it been so long???)

The sadness isn't as heavy. But it's still there.

But... to wish for my first child back would mean undoing the life I carry right now. And I wouldn't do that for the world.

(Even if he's fated not to make it either.)

I wish I could have had them both. But things would never had worked out like that.

So. Anyway. I guess all I'm trying to say is that I will remember my first child, my snowflake. And...

It would mean the world if you would, too.

Just put a little note in your diary. Stop and think of us on 6th May, just for a minute.

Thank you xx

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Edited to add: when I clicked 'publish' the ad that came up read:
Special Memorial Websites
Create a beautiful, special tribute in loving memory of your baby
www.muchloved.com

Is it just me or is the fact blogger has worked out I lost a baby and is tailoring ads to me disturbing as f**k???????

Monday, 18 April 2011

radio silence

i'm ok, as is baby.

i should clarify. physically we're both doing fine. emotionally i've been very up and down. actually terrible at times. although i'm doing better this last eight days or so.

---

i've been writing posts in my head. about the terror that has been regularly filling my brain and the ridiculous frequency of me running into the hospital for monitoring. about how i had written my active birth classes and other antenatal classes in my diary in pen, but could only write the number of weeks i am one or two ahead and in pencil. about how much denial i've been in about how much i love this baby, this creature living inside me. about how terrifying the first attempt at the 4D scan was (baby had his feet in front of his face and was very still; i was terrified he was dead). about how amazing the second one was.

but you know what?

i just have no interest in being on the internet right now.

i feel like i've been living on the internet for far too long. before babyloss even. i've been living on blogs and facebook for a very long time.

i've kind of been reconnecting with the real world. it's been a long time. i've been ignoring some of my real-life people for far too long. i'd kind of forgotten that some of them existed.

and i feel really bad. there's some crappy stuff going on out there. some really crappy stuff. but....

this last week or so, while i've been limiting my internet time, i've not been up to hospital for monitoring. i've been calmer and happier.

i've started to believe that there is a chance - a good chance - that i will stay sane, and the baby will be born alive and healthy.

---

i suspect i'm not capable right now of offering support to many people and taking care of myself at the same time. (i can support a few people on a more personal basis; i'm thinking of two friends in particular who have had terrible upheaval in their lives in the last couple of weeks, and i wish i could do more for them.)

but my entire blogroll and google reader? no.

i just can't do it.

and i haven't got the energy to let myself feel bad about that.

although i do feel i should.

but i can't withdraw entirely.

after all, i'm still terrified that i'll need you all again, worryingly soon.

(i believe this baby has a good chance, but as we all know round here, sometimes that's not enough.)

so please know that i'm still reading. not quite as regularly, but i'm still there.

even if i can't make myself comment right now.

i'm thinking of you all. and wishing you good things in the future. in whatever form that takes.

---

i'll be back at some point, whatever happens. but for the minute, i'll be away. if you want to be in touch, you can email or find me on fb (actually you probably can't, but email me if you're interested). i'm not very good at either right now, but it's better than nothing i guess :/