Monday, 18 April 2011

radio silence

i'm ok, as is baby.

i should clarify. physically we're both doing fine. emotionally i've been very up and down. actually terrible at times. although i'm doing better this last eight days or so.

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i've been writing posts in my head. about the terror that has been regularly filling my brain and the ridiculous frequency of me running into the hospital for monitoring. about how i had written my active birth classes and other antenatal classes in my diary in pen, but could only write the number of weeks i am one or two ahead and in pencil. about how much denial i've been in about how much i love this baby, this creature living inside me. about how terrifying the first attempt at the 4D scan was (baby had his feet in front of his face and was very still; i was terrified he was dead). about how amazing the second one was.

but you know what?

i just have no interest in being on the internet right now.

i feel like i've been living on the internet for far too long. before babyloss even. i've been living on blogs and facebook for a very long time.

i've kind of been reconnecting with the real world. it's been a long time. i've been ignoring some of my real-life people for far too long. i'd kind of forgotten that some of them existed.

and i feel really bad. there's some crappy stuff going on out there. some really crappy stuff. but....

this last week or so, while i've been limiting my internet time, i've not been up to hospital for monitoring. i've been calmer and happier.

i've started to believe that there is a chance - a good chance - that i will stay sane, and the baby will be born alive and healthy.

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i suspect i'm not capable right now of offering support to many people and taking care of myself at the same time. (i can support a few people on a more personal basis; i'm thinking of two friends in particular who have had terrible upheaval in their lives in the last couple of weeks, and i wish i could do more for them.)

but my entire blogroll and google reader? no.

i just can't do it.

and i haven't got the energy to let myself feel bad about that.

although i do feel i should.

but i can't withdraw entirely.

after all, i'm still terrified that i'll need you all again, worryingly soon.

(i believe this baby has a good chance, but as we all know round here, sometimes that's not enough.)

so please know that i'm still reading. not quite as regularly, but i'm still there.

even if i can't make myself comment right now.

i'm thinking of you all. and wishing you good things in the future. in whatever form that takes.

---

i'll be back at some point, whatever happens. but for the minute, i'll be away. if you want to be in touch, you can email or find me on fb (actually you probably can't, but email me if you're interested). i'm not very good at either right now, but it's better than nothing i guess :/

12 comments:

Carol said...

Good for you! You and your baby (and dad!) should be your main priority right now. Yes, we all like to know that you're alright, but you don't have to be on here 24/7 to let us know that. A post once in a while, when you feel like it, is plenty. I'm sending you lots of thoughts, luck and hugs, and woud be very happy even if the next time you posted is with a picture of the new arrival (but I'll still be checking every few days, just in case you do post, and hoping with all my heart that every post you make is to keep us up to date on your GOOD progress) x

Illanare said...

(o)

stink-bomb said...

meh we'll all still be here when you're ready :-)

~x~

car said...

Do you what you need to do. Taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for you and your husband and that little guy in there.

Hope's Mama said...

We absolutely understand.
xo

Brooke said...

All of this is completely understandable. Take good care of you.

Captain Black said...

I'm glad you're all okay, that's all that matters. This intarr-webby malarkey can wait.

Jorgelina said...

Really glad to hear from you and your baby! You're always in our thoughts! *hugs*

biojen said...

I was hoping that was the case so I've been trying not to worry about you. I figured if you needed support you would be back on. I haven't emailed because there have been times I wanted to withdraw from babyloss stuff and reminders didn't help me. I thought that might be the same for you. No worries here. I'm doing okay and although I miss hearing from you, I'm glad that you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. I hope we can stay in touch when you are having an easier time. All that matters for you right now is taking care of yourself.

Mary Jane said...

i am glad to hear you and the baby are doing well. i am sorry about the dark times. take care of yourself and baby. xoxo.

Catherine W said...

I'm glad that you and your little one are both ok and I'm sorry that you have been having a difficult time of things emotionally.

I think that everyone needs to step away from this community at some point, either temporarily or permanently. And, marvellous as the internet is, it is not real life.

I think and believe that there is every, single chance that you WILL stay sane and this baby WILL be born alive and healthy. Every chance in the world.

You know where I am if you need me, shame we live at pretty much opposite ends of the country :(

Jenn said...

B, I'm so glad to hear things are going so well for you and the new little one. If taking a step (or two or three) back is a healthy thing for you, then that's what you need to do. We all understand and only want the best for you. Thinking of you and glad for the update. xx