i'm ok, as is baby.
i should clarify. physically we're both doing fine. emotionally i've been very up and down. actually terrible at times. although i'm doing better this last eight days or so.
i've been writing posts in my head. about the terror that has been regularly filling my brain and the ridiculous frequency of me running into the hospital for monitoring. about how i had written my active birth classes and other antenatal classes in my diary in pen, but could only write the number of weeks i am one or two ahead and in pencil. about how much denial i've been in about how much i love this baby, this creature living inside me. about how terrifying the first attempt at the 4D scan was (baby had his feet in front of his face and was very still; i was terrified he was dead). about how amazing the second one was.
but you know what?
i just have no interest in being on the internet right now.
i feel like i've been living on the internet for far too long. before babyloss even. i've been living on blogs and facebook for a very long time.
i've kind of been reconnecting with the real world. it's been a long time. i've been ignoring some of my real-life people for far too long. i'd kind of forgotten that some of them existed.
and i feel really bad. there's some crappy stuff going on out there. some really crappy stuff. but....
this last week or so, while i've been limiting my internet time, i've not been up to hospital for monitoring. i've been calmer and happier.
i've started to believe that there is a chance - a good chance - that i will stay sane, and the baby will be born alive and healthy.
i suspect i'm not capable right now of offering support to many people and taking care of myself at the same time. (i can support a few people on a more personal basis; i'm thinking of two friends in particular who have had terrible upheaval in their lives in the last couple of weeks, and i wish i could do more for them.)
but my entire blogroll and google reader? no.
i just can't do it.
and i haven't got the energy to let myself feel bad about that.
although i do feel i should.
but i can't withdraw entirely.
after all, i'm still terrified that i'll need you all again, worryingly soon.
(i believe this baby has a good chance, but as we all know round here, sometimes that's not enough.)
so please know that i'm still reading. not quite as regularly, but i'm still there.
even if i can't make myself comment right now.
i'm thinking of you all. and wishing you good things in the future. in whatever form that takes.
i'll be back at some point, whatever happens. but for the minute, i'll be away. if you want to be in touch, you can email or find me on fb (actually you probably can't, but email me if you're interested). i'm not very good at either right now, but it's better than nothing i guess :/