Something else I wanted to say.
I talked here about the fact that the end of November, the anniversary of finding out the baby had died, will always be harder than the beginning of May, when my due date should have been.
And I still think that's true. May is a time for sad smiles, for thinking about what-might-have-been. November is a time for remembering shock and grief and cold and misery.
Last year the run up to 6th May was horrible. I slid back into grief and depression after thinking I was getting better, doing OK. But the day itself was OK. Not too bad.
This year... I would be lying if I said that being pregnant didn't make it easier. It does - although the fact I'll still have six weeks to go til my due date reminds me of just how very long it took us to get pregnant again. Ten months + felt like a very, very long time. It's hard to accept that from our loss to holding a living baby (please) will be a gap of over eighteen months. (And in related news, tomorrow is 17 months. How on earth has it been so long???)
The sadness isn't as heavy. But it's still there.
But... to wish for my first child back would mean undoing the life I carry right now. And I wouldn't do that for the world.
(Even if he's fated not to make it either.)
I wish I could have had them both. But things would never had worked out like that.
So. Anyway. I guess all I'm trying to say is that I will remember my first child, my snowflake. And...
It would mean the world if you would, too.
Just put a little note in your diary. Stop and think of us on 6th May, just for a minute.
Thank you xx
Edited to add: when I clicked 'publish' the ad that came up read:
Special Memorial Websites
Create a beautiful, special tribute in loving memory of your baby
Is it just me or is the fact blogger has worked out I lost a baby and is tailoring ads to me disturbing as f**k???????