Sunday, 24 April 2011

Something else I wanted to say.

I talked here about the fact that the end of November, the anniversary of finding out the baby had died, will always be harder than the beginning of May, when my due date should have been.

And I still think that's true. May is a time for sad smiles, for thinking about what-might-have-been. November is a time for remembering shock and grief and cold and misery.

Last year the run up to 6th May was horrible. I slid back into grief and depression after thinking I was getting better, doing OK. But the day itself was OK. Not too bad.

This year... I would be lying if I said that being pregnant didn't make it easier. It does - although the fact I'll still have six weeks to go til my due date reminds me of just how very long it took us to get pregnant again. Ten months + felt like a very, very long time. It's hard to accept that from our loss to holding a living baby (please) will be a gap of over eighteen months. (And in related news, tomorrow is 17 months. How on earth has it been so long???)

The sadness isn't as heavy. But it's still there.

But... to wish for my first child back would mean undoing the life I carry right now. And I wouldn't do that for the world.

(Even if he's fated not to make it either.)

I wish I could have had them both. But things would never had worked out like that.

So. Anyway. I guess all I'm trying to say is that I will remember my first child, my snowflake. And...

It would mean the world if you would, too.

Just put a little note in your diary. Stop and think of us on 6th May, just for a minute.

Thank you xx


Edited to add: when I clicked 'publish' the ad that came up read:
Special Memorial Websites
Create a beautiful, special tribute in loving memory of your baby

Is it just me or is the fact blogger has worked out I lost a baby and is tailoring ads to me disturbing as f**k???????


Merry said...

I will remember.

My first 2 girls were conceived so there was only 20 months between them. Although Freddie was planned to be our last, it comforts me a little that any baby I have now 'could have been' planned as a sibling. It's physically possible.

I wish you had both; I hope the next few weeks and months are peaceful for you.

And yes, the ads are blooming awful.

R. said...

You will be in my thoughts on May 6th. And 6 weeks are so close!

B said...

Thank you so much, Merry. It's comforting that you understand... although as always, I wish you didn't :(

R, I'm 32 weeks today, will be 6 weeks away on the 6th May. it seems so long and so short, too much time and not enough, all at once. And thank you for remembering.


Brooke said...

I'll be thinking of you on May 6, and throughout the next six weeks. I imagine the overlap of joy and grief has its own peculiar complications. I am glad to hear you wouldn't trade the life you have now. I'm not there yet (still willing to barter anything to turn back time) but I like to hope that one day I'll be echoing your sentiments.

And yes, the advertising thing is totally creeper.

biojen said...

Of course you know I'll remember. I hope the day treats you kindly.

I HATE those stupid google adds. I keep getting ads for adoption lawyers and fertility clinics. They piss me off. I really think grief-based blogs should have some kind of filter on their stupid adds. It's almost enough to make me switch to a host I have to pay for.

Take care and update when you can.

Illanare said...

I will be thinking of you all.

Jorgelina said...

Always thinking of you *hugs*

Anonymous said...

Did you have a still birth or a miscarrage?

Hope's Mama said...

Thinking of you. I wish we lived in a world where you could have them both, I really do.
You're so close, and I'm here for you all the way.

Catherine W said...

Blogger is disturbing. I always get stuff about twins which, given I'm writing a blog about the fact that I'm not raising twins, is pretty darn annoying.

Will be thinking of you and Snowflake on the 6th of May xo

B said...

Aaaaargh to blogger eating my comment.

Anon - why do you want to know? Because: 1) I find the question quite disturbing. The fact that that's all you've asked makes it sound like you are going to make a value judgement based on my answer. The loss of my first baby devastated me and broke me to pieces. Does it really matter which side of an arbitrary line my loss fell on? And what if my loss had been 22 weeks (it wasn't); that would be a stillbirth in some countries and a miscarriage in others.
Then 2) If you care to look up at my header, you may spot a header. Underneath that is a tag line. It tells you what happened without you even having to click into my history at all.
3) if you have a genuine reason to want to know, why not share it? Why comment anonymously, without even typing a name at the bottom? Why is that the only thing you ask? It feels threatening.

Imperatrix said...

You are pregnant? How wonderful! Youa re Due May 6the it sounds like you already know it's a boy. Wowza! I only grew up with sisters, so I wouldn't have had a clue about baby boys. I can't remember if you have any siblings? Anyway, this is *such wonderful news*! Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Just a little while left, right? Yahoo!

Imperatrix said...

Oh, wait -- You're due in 6 weeks. Big hugs for May 6, and I hope you can find joy in the birth of your second.

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Just wanted to drop by and say hello! Thinking of you.