Sunday, 12 June 2011

unexpected

Someone asked me at the beginning of the week whether I was going to miss being pregnant. Someone who had just met me and has no idea of the stress and anxiety this pregnancy has caused in me. How much of an emotional wreck I've been.

And you know what?

The answer. It's 'yes'. I really am going to miss it.

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[This next section... I hope it doesn't upset anyone. I'm sorry if it does; I won't be surprised... I find it upsetting myself. I finally put into words some feelings I had at the beginning of the second trimester that I could barely acknowledge even to myself. It's horrible but it's how I felt at the time. I'm very glad things didn't come to pass like this.]

Makes no sense, does it? I've hated the last eight months or so. I've been 100% certain that the baby is either dead or going to die very soon for large chunks of this pregnancy. At times, in the second trimester... part of me would almost have been relieved to find out the baby was dead, because it would have meant that I didn't have to live with the uncertainty any more.

(I hated myself for thinking that. I still do. I'm so glad he's still OK. Right now, even if he's fated not to make it, I'm glad we've got this far. I'm glad I've had this time with him, even though it has been traumatic and scary as hell.)

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If you'd asked me back in March or April - or earlier for that matter - whether I would miss being pregnant I would have either laughed at you or, quite possibly, slapped you. Being pregnant wasn't the point. Having a baby was the point. Getting to take home a living, healthy baby.

But somehow things changed. I think the therapy and CBT really did make a difference. Right now... I'm still terrified. I'm getting more anxious again. 39 weeks today, just two weeks left at the most; I am not going past 41 weeks even if I have to refuse to leave the hospital. But I'm enjoying him living in my belly. The times where D and I sit and watch him shifting inside me and laugh, fascinated... they're worth all the times when I lie in bed with my hands on my belly, willing him to move, terrified he's stopped for good.

And there are still a fair few of those.

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I think that as much as anything I want a do-over. I want to go back and be less anxious. Not not-anxious, that was never a realistic aim. But I think back to what a wreck I was in March and April particularly and it just seems like such a waste. If only I could have come to this place of zen a month or two earlier. When I had my leaving lunch from work, someone said I'd been a completely different person for the last month or so, and she was right. I've been completely different, and a lot less exhausting both for myself and for those around me. Hell, if I manage to hold out until tomorrow, I've not been to the hospital for monitoring because of freaking out about the baby for four whole weeks. That was unthinkable just a couple of weeks before that.

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I want to meet him now. Like, now. But at the same time, I don't want this pregnancy to be over. I don't know if we'll ever even try for another baby. I don't want this to be over before I'm ready. Now I'm finally enjoying carrying him.

+++

My blood pressure was up on Thursday, but no traces of protein in my ur.ine. Today my blood pressure was normal but there were traces of protein. They're keeping an eye on me. Baby seems to be doing fine though.

One week until my due date. Baby is engaged and I'm uncomfortable. I hope he turns up on time.

+++

I can't imagine anyone who reads here hasn't heard the terrible news about lis and T. I honestly cannot get my head around it. I honestly thought that this time things were going to be OK. I.... I want it to make sense, and it's never ever going to.

Please offer her your love and support in this horrendous time.

11 comments:

Kelly said...

I am so proud of you to have made it this far, after all of the anxiety and worry. Don't wish that you could go back. You're so close and have come so far. All that you've endured will only make you a better mother when you're holding your beautiful baby.

Anonymous said...

Glad to hear that all is well. I suffered from antepartum depression and I, too, am ashamed at some of the thoughts that I had during my first pregnancy. Around 7.5 months I began to enjoy it, and I, too, wished for a do-over...and I got it! My second pregnancy was a time of joy and peace. I hope that no matter what the future holds for you, that these next few weeks will give you a bit of that "do-over". A chance to enjoy this time in life, a time to enjoy creating your son.

R. said...

Good luck in the coming weeks, can't wait to hear about his safe arrival!

Noelle said...

This is so exciting and wonderful and I am so happy to read this post.

I can't wait to hear all about your sweet baby's arrival.

Sarah H said...

Still stalking your blog, still sending you heaps of love.

From the other side where I've managed 3 showers in 2.5 weeks and sleep in 4 hour chunks, it's hard, but not nearly as hard as the longing, mourning and TTC.

Thinking of all 4 of you.
Sarah

Illanare said...

(o)

Catherine W said...

Oh B. This post makes so much sense to me. I wish I could have a do-over, I just feel as though I was too frightened to appreciate my pregnancy with R. I do feel a bit remorseful about my pregnancy and his birth. R may well be my last baby too and, although the point of pregnancy and birth is to (hopefully) give birth to living, healthy child rather than to have 'an experience', I do feel sad that I didn't enjoy that time of my life more. Perhaps I enjoyed my pregnancy with the girls, before it went wrong, enough for two though?

Hope that your little one doesn't keep you waiting too much longer and that you don't get too uncomfortable in the meantime. I'll be stalking for news xo

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

I've been thinking about you.

I'm happy for you to hear you're enjoying pregnancy these days. It is a precious time.

I think I got even more anxious at the end of my pregnancy as I waited for baby. A friend told me to enjoy the last few days/weeks with baby kicking on the inside and I thought - yeah, whatever, I want my baby in my arms!

You'll continue to be in my thoughts!

Hope's Mama said...

Totally get this. All of it. And in some weird way, I will miss this as well. Because I feel pretty certain now, I wont be doing this again.
Thinking of you SO much.
xo

stink-bomb said...

[o]

BeckyG said...

Your pregnancy may be nearly over, B, the adventure of getting to know your new baby will soon begin, and I'm sure you'll love it as much as you already love him :o)