Tuesday, 16 August 2011

will I ever...

lose the fear?

J isn't 100% at the minute. He always has reflux but the last two days he's been sick once; today he's been sick twice.

He seems OK in himself. His temperature is fine and he's alert and happy in himself and my instinct is that he's fine.

.... But there's that fear. That *before* my instinct said that everything was OK, too - even sitting in the scan room after two midwives had been unable to find a heartbeat, ffs; what the hell was I thinking? - but my baby was dead. Do I trust the evidence of my eyes and the baby who's still smiling at us? Who's just pee'd and poo'd so obviously isn't dehydrated? Who's still 'talking' to my husband on the changing mat?

I honestly don't think there is any purpose to calling the out of hours GP service at the minute. It feels like it'd be a waste of my time and might stop someone who actually needs help getting quickly. But... not doing so is scary. What if there really is something wrong and I'm just not spotting it?

Aaaargh.

Parenting after loss was always going to be tricky.

Monday, 8 August 2011

snapshots from the first two months

thank you all for your warm welcome to my little boy!

there is so much i want to write about - labour and birth, my mental health, how awesome a dad my husband is - but these snapshots will have to suffice, for now.

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he was over 8 1/2 lb when the was born. he only fitted in newborn clothing for a few days. lucky we mostly bought 0-3 month stuff. although he's really, really long, and putting on weight at an astonishing rate. he still has plenty of room to grow outwards into the 0-3 clothes, but lengthwise he's nearly out of them.

we only had to stay in hospital two days, not the five they had told me. and even that was because it took us a little while to get breastfeeding established, not because of any concerns about the ADs.

breastfeeding can be tricky at first. i cried to D at one stage while we were still in hospital that it felt like someone was helping me learn to ride a bike and was pushing me off and letting go - and at the stage where most people realise and fall off but then realise they can do it, i was still falling. again and again and again. but then a lovely midwife realised i was struggling and helped me lots overnight. including arranging for D to come back in and spend the night in hospital with us to help me cope and to help look after J. she was brilliant.

La Leche League are looking for peer supporters in my area. I'm looking into it.

it's amazing how little sleep you can happily survive on when you need to. having said that, he's already slept over six hours a couple of times. pretty amazing for such a young fully breastfed baby.

i said before he was born that i was pragmatic about breastfeeding, that if it didn't work i'd be disappointed but not gutted. i was lying. i would've been totally gutted.

he seems so advanced! he's already been properly smiling for ages. he's even laughed a few times. babies don't normally do that for a good few months.

he hardly cries. i am so lucky. and so grateful when he does cry (thank goodness! it's good to know he knows how to cry when he needs somehing!) and so totally freaked out at the same time (OhMyGod, what on earth is wrong?? please stop crying baby boy! i have no resilience to his cries because i'm not used to them at all).

i cannot figure out babywearing. and i've given up because i'm so scared we'll never crack it, and because i'm so tired. but i really, really want it to work. so i must get back to it.

he loves lying on his mat and kicking and moving his arms about. sometimes when he's crying it's what he actually wants, for us to just put him down already so he can play! he's far too young for that but it really seems to be what he wants.

no one told me about tummy time. i'm really mad that i only know about it from blogs and only thought to google it this weekend. luckily he seems to enjoy it so hopefully it won't hold him back too much.

two weeks paternity leave is nothing at all. D took two weeks paternity and two weeks leave, and now he has no leave left until christmas. christmas is so far away.

he took a bottle of expressed breastmilk yesterday for the first time. accepted it beautifully and still breastfeeding nicely. such a relief.

at one of my antenatal classes the midwife told me that breastfed babies don't need winding. What. A. Lie.

when he was less than 24 hours old they were concerned in case he had a blockage as he was throwing up bright green gunk after every feed. they wanted to put dye into his stomach and make sure it went through properly. D had to hold down his arms while they put a tube into his stomach. it broke his heart. then they took him down to x-ray to put in the dye and take the pictures. he cried so hard. it was heartbreaking. but i'm sure it was far more traumatic for us than for him - i'm sure he'd forgotten about it very soon.

he's huge for his age - following the curve for 91st percentile! - but he's my teeny tiny baby boy. and i love him to pieces.