Tuesday, 16 August 2011

will I ever...

lose the fear?

J isn't 100% at the minute. He always has reflux but the last two days he's been sick once; today he's been sick twice.

He seems OK in himself. His temperature is fine and he's alert and happy in himself and my instinct is that he's fine.

.... But there's that fear. That *before* my instinct said that everything was OK, too - even sitting in the scan room after two midwives had been unable to find a heartbeat, ffs; what the hell was I thinking? - but my baby was dead. Do I trust the evidence of my eyes and the baby who's still smiling at us? Who's just pee'd and poo'd so obviously isn't dehydrated? Who's still 'talking' to my husband on the changing mat?

I honestly don't think there is any purpose to calling the out of hours GP service at the minute. It feels like it'd be a waste of my time and might stop someone who actually needs help getting quickly. But... not doing so is scary. What if there really is something wrong and I'm just not spotting it?

Aaaargh.

Parenting after loss was always going to be tricky.

4 comments:

Catherine W said...

Ah B. I'm the same. I always worry that I'm missing something too having had proof that my maternal instincts can be a little shaky.

Have you tried calling NHS Direct, sometimes they are just helpful for 'talking you down' and stopping you worrying if you don't have to! That said I've used the OOH service with J multiple times and they've always been very good and understanding. They've always told me that if they are still wetting their nappies they should be fine and, even if it looks like they are throwing most of their feed back up, they do usually keep some down. They also recommended a bottle of dioralyte, given slowly. Don't know if that would be necessary for a breast fed baby though?

Hang on in there. Hope you can get some reassurance xo

Kelly said...

I agree with you 100%! If it would make you feel better, call your GP's office (if not after hours, tomorrow first thing). Maybe there needs to be a dosage adjustment?

Hope's Mama said...

I think all parents must have fears and worries, but I think for us it is definitely different. Because we already know how bad it can get. We can't just imagine it, we've been there and we've looked it in the face.
The worst is not just a possibility, it is already our reality and will forever be part of our past.
Hang in there.
xo

d.b. said...

definitely something common to all parents. My wife is constantly worrying our girl isn't ok, and we hadn't gone through the pain you experienced. I'm now trying to make her NOT look things up in books or online, cause all we ever find is more stuff to make you worry. Or in fact scared as in 'this is a clear sign of virus X, Y or Z and it is very dangerous for children of that age'. Doctor says: "Well, she looks fine to me, even though her digestions seems a little wayward. Relax and she'll be o.k. in a couple of days."