Updated September 2011
I am a mother now, undoubtedly. My little boy was born in June 2011, removing all doubt. But I wanted to keep this here. I want to know that I can remember what it was like to live in this doubt.
My original blog is called 'watching geordie life', because I live in amongst the Geordies in Newcastle upon Tyne. So when I started a writing blog, it seemed natural to keep the 'geordie' theme. I'm not a Geordie though - I love this city, but I wasn't born here - so 'non geordie' seemed to fit.
And when I was pregnant, and wanted to blog about that, I started a blog on wordpress, separate to my geordie blogs over here. And I called it non geordie mum, because I'm the resident non-geordie, and I was going to be a mum.
I still have trouble with the label 'Mum'. Am I one? I was pregnant, for seventeen whole weeks. My body prepared an egg, released it. It was fertilised and implanted into me. It grew inside me for eleven weeks.
But then it died. Its tiny heart stopped beating, and I never knew. There were no signs, no symptoms. I didn't realise until four weeks had passed. I was given medication to make my body expel what was by then just dead tissue. The remains sat in the hospital somewhere until six weeks later, when they were cremated with other babies after a ceremony I sobbed my way through.
Am I a mother?
I don't really know.
But back when I knew I was, I started a blog and called it non geordie mum.
And I don't have a better idea, so non geordie mum it will stay.